Beyond Perfectionism: How Self-Compassion Heals Shame
by Valerie Dorn
Shame is the most painful of all human emotions. When you feel shame, you feel like you are inherently bad and wish that you could disappear. It can cause you to feel panicked and make your mind go blank. Your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for logical thinking, often goes offline, and you can’t think clearly. Shame can also make you feel numb, shake, or cry. Or it can ignite anger inside of you, making you want to fight back, either verbally or physically.
Where Shame Begins
Most of us can recall a time when we were growing up when someone told us, “shame on you!” or “You should be ashamed of yourself!” You may recall your face turning red, averting your gaze. A moment of shame feels terrible and the memory is seared into our nervous systems to make sure we do whatever it takes to never feel that way again.
We spend our lives trying to avoid people and situations that could cause us to feel shame. When shame arises despite our best efforts to avoid it, it is often followed with the voice of our inner critic heaping more shame on us, berating us for having done something wrong to cause it to show up.
So, what can we do when shame shows up? How can we work with it?
The good news is that there is something we can do to decrease feelings of shame, and that is the practice of self-compassion.
Understanding Self-Compassion
Kristin Neff pioneered research on self-compassion in the early 2000s. In her model, self-compassion has three components: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Those three components are the opposites of the three core aspects of shame: rumination, isolation, and self-criticism. As you can see, self-compassion is essentially the opposite of shame, and explains why it is so effective in transforming shame.
How to Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a practice you can do at any time, regardless of whether you are feeling shame. What’s exciting about practicing self-compassion is that the more often you do it, the stronger your self-compassion “muscle” becomes, and the more likely you will be able to access it when you need it most.
Self-compassion can be practiced with your eyes open or closed, in a formal meditation or in the moment.
Here are the three steps:
1. Mindfulness
First, bring to mind a situation in your life that is difficult for you or is causing you stress. It could be a difficult interaction you had with another person, or something you’re worried about that might happen. If this practice is new to you, don’t choose the most challenging situation. Instead, pick something that is mildly to moderately stressful.
Once you have settled on something, bring mindful awareness to your experience by saying to yourself, “this is a moment of suffering.” If that phrase doesn’t resonate with you, choose something else, such as, “this is really stressful/difficult right now” or “I’m really struggling.” By turning towards your difficulty and acknowledging it, you’re validating it. Our habitual tendency is to push away difficult experiences, which only increases our suffering.
2. Common Humanity
The second step is to expand your awareness beyond yourself to other people who may also be experiencing what you are experiencing, and feeling the same way. You may even know someone else right now who is struggling with the same thing. Once you have a sense of others facing similar difficulties, say to yourself, “suffering is a part of life.” By reminding yourself of your common humanity, you start to feel less alone. You realize that it is not abnormal to feel what you’re feeling; suffering is a part of life, a part of being human.
3. Self-Kindness
The third and final step is bring kindness to yourself, by saying, “may I be kind to myself.” You can use any language that feels comfortable to you. What would you say to a close friend you care about, who is going through something similar? Perhaps, “I’m here for you”, “it’s going to be OK”, or “I care about you.” The exact words don’t matter as much as the feeling and intention behind what you are saying to yourself. If it helps, you can even place both hands over your heart or some other place on your body that feels soothing or comforting, as you repeat words of kindness to yourself.
Tips and Things to Remember
If you have never practiced self-compassion before, it might feel awkward as you go through the three steps and repeat the phrases to yourself. That’s OK. The more you practice it, the more natural and comfortable it will feel.
A great way to get started is to set aside a few minutes each day, perhaps first thing in the morning before you get out of bed, during your lunch break, or as part of your bedtime routine, to practice self-compassion. That way when you find yourself struggling with a difficult situation, you will be more likely to remember to be kind to yourself.
Take the next step toward self-kindness. If you are ready to break free from the cycle of shame and self-doubt, I am here to help. Reach out today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation and learn how anxiety therapy can support you in letting go of shame.
