What is Internal Family Systems (IFS) and How Can It Help?
by Valerie Dorn
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to therapy that is highly effective for many people. It was discovered and developed by Dick Schwartz based on what he was noticing about the clients he was working with. They would say things like, “A part of me wanted to go to the party, but another part of me was afraid I would embarrass myself, so I didn’t go.”
IFS posits that we are not just one thing, not one singular identity. Instead, who we are is made up of different parts that help us manage life.
If you have seen the movie Inside Out, the main character’s emotions are illustrated as parts inside the control center of her brain. Parts in IFS are similar; however, a part can have more than one emotion. Still, the movie gives you a great sense of what it feels like to be human – different parts of us taking over based on what’s going on externally.
How IFS Categorizes Your Internal World
IFS categorizes parts into two main types: protectors and exiles.
Protectors are the parts of you that help you function day-to-day. There are two types:
Managers: They make sure you show up to work on time, behave appropriately based on your setting, and prevent you from getting into trouble.
Firefighters: They show up when a manager part has failed to protect you in some way and you are experiencing an overwhelming negative emotion.
Exiles are the parts of ourselves that hold painful emotions and memories. They’re the parts that managers and firefighters are constantly trying to protect to keep us from feeling bad.
A Common Example
Let’s say you promised your partner that you would stop by the grocery store after work to pick something up for dinner, but you forgot. You come home, and your partner is upset with you and tells you how disappointed and frustrated they are.
In response to your partner’s frustration:
An inner critic (a manager) shows up in your mind and begins to berate you: "How could you have forgotten to stop by the store yet again?"
A feeling of deep embarrassment and shame arises (an exile).
A firefighter part steps in, telling you to soothe yourself immediately by eating a pint of ice cream.
By identifying the different parts of you that get activated under stress, you have an opportunity to get to know each one. All parts have positive intentions: they are trying to help you in some way, even if their methods aren't always ideal. As you get to know your internal system, your “family of parts,” you start to develop a healthier relationship with them.
Leading with Your "Self" Energy
In IFS therapy, you also have a capital-S Self. This is who you are when you are your wisest, most grounded self. When you are experiencing what IFS calls "Self energy," you have natural access to qualities like being:
Loving and compassionate
Curious and calm
Clear and confident
Courageous, creative, and connected
I like to think of it as your enlightened Self.
One of the primary goals of IFS therapy is to help you connect with your Self energy. From that place, you can develop positive relationships between your Self and your parts. That way, when you find yourself reacting under stress, your Self can take the lead and address the concerns your parts have, without them taking over.
Re-imagining the Grocery Store Example
If you were coming from a place of Self energy in that same situation, you would notice the inner critic showing up in your mind, and your Self would respond with compassion:
"It makes sense that you feel like a failure, especially since this isn’t the first time you’ve forgotten something your partner asked of you. It’s also true that you didn’t sleep well last night and work was stressful, so you were distracted tonight. You can apologize to your partner and offer to go get food now, or order delivery."
In response, your inner critic will likely relax. The firefighter part that would normally urge you to eat a pint of ice cream to soothe yourself may not even show up. If it does, you can turn toward it and validate its concerns, letting it know that you’re going to be okay.
Who’s Driving the Bus?
One helpful way to think about IFS therapy is to ask: Who’s driving the bus? Is it your enlightened Self, or is it a reactive part of you that doesn’t realize your Self is right there, fully capable of driving safely through life?
By taking the time to get to know your own internal system of parts and by creating a trusting relationship where they let your Self take the lead, you are able to live your life with so much more freedom, joy, and choice.
Ready to explore your internal system? If you would like to learn more about your own parts and how to work with them, contact me today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.