How do you know if a friendship is worth continuing to cultivate?

by Valerie Dorn

Have you ever found yourself questioning whether you should continue being friends with someone? Maybe you have been close for years, but then they stop returning your text messages and phone calls.....or they seem distracted and aloof when you see them in a group. Or perhaps they do something hurtful, like cancel plans at the last minute without explanation. And then you find yourself wondering, just how close are we? Should I continue to reach out and invite them to things, or are they just not interested? Is their silence/lack of response a sign that they don’t like me or worse – that they never really liked me in the first place?

When you find your mind starting to spiral down a dark hole, take a few minutes to pause and ask yourself the following questions:

What is the bigger picture?

Zoom out and look at the relationship as a whole, from day 1 until present, and ask yourself, What percent of their total behavior over time is this new behavior (ghosting you, canceling plans, etc.)? Is this something they have always done and you just didn’t notice until now? In other words, how consistent has their behavior been over time?

This ties into the next question to ask yourself:

How long has this been going on?

Is their change in behavior recent? If so, there is likely some major change in your friend’s life that you don’t know about yet, that could easily explain the change in her behavior.

What else could explain their behavior?

What else could be true? If her change in behavior is recent, what other explanations could there be for it? Perhaps your friend herself or one of her loved ones recently received a new medical diagnosis that she is struggling with and is not ready to talk about, which could explain why she won’t return your text messages. Or maybe she is afraid that her new boss will fire her, so she has been working so many hours that she has not had time to respond to anyone. Or she has the flu, and has been feeling so sick that she hasn’t even looked at her phone in days. In other words, is it possible that her change in behavior has nothing to do with you?

Test your hypotheses.

Hopefully after answering these questions, you will have more clarity on whether this friendship was never as close as you thought, or – and this is often more likely – there has been some recent change in your friend’s life that you are not aware of. If the latter is the case, then you reach out to your friend and ask her directly. That could look something like:

“I have noticed that you have not responded to my last three text messages for over a week and I am worried about you. Is there something you are struggling with right now? If so, I would love to be able to support you. Please let me know what you need most right now. If you don’t know what you need, that’s OK - I can just listen. I love you and I am here for you whenever you are ready to talk.”

Make an informed choice.

Oftentimes by being vulnerable first and asking for clarification on why their behavior has changed, the other person will feel more comfortable opening up. On the other hand, if you zoom out and look at the relationship over time, you may discover that they have always been acting this way, and that you have been making excuses for them or giving them the benefit of the doubt one too many times. If that’s the case, then it may be time to invest your energy elsewhere, towards the friendships that are more reciprocal and supportive.

Still unsure?

If you are struggling in your friendships and would like more support, let’s talk: contact me today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.