Why Do I Struggle to Say No? Understanding the Childhood Roots of People-Pleasing

by Valerie Dorn

Do you find yourself struggling to say "no" to other people?

For example, say you need some work done on your house. You spend hours online researching contractors, asking friends and neighbors for recommendations, and calling your top three choices. They come out to your house, give you estimates, and you decide on the one you want to hire. But now, you have to tell the other two, "Thank you, but I have decided to hire someone else."

Rationally, you know they are used to being told "no." It’s just part of their job – part of doing business. But inside, your stomach is in knots, and you find yourself procrastinating on getting back to them. You look at the email or text message, start to compose a response, and agonize over every word. Desperate for someone else to give you the "magic words" that will communicate “no” without making you feel like a jerk, you text a friend or ask your husband.

After you finally compose your reply and hit "send," a wave of relief mixed with panic rushes through your body. You worry about how they are going to respond. Will they be angry? Will they be mad that I wasted their time? Then, the self-criticism sets in: Why is this so hard? Why can’t I simply say "no thanks" like everyone else and move on with my life?

Maybe you get a simple thumbs-up emoji back, and you breathe a sigh of relief. Or perhaps they respond by offering to lower their price and asking you to reconsider, and a feeling of dread spreads through your body, knowing you will have to say "no" all over again. Either way, these interactions take a heavy mental and emotional toll. Even when the response is positive, it doesn’t seem to land. The next time you encounter a similar situation, the whole agonizing cycle repeats.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many women struggle to balance the desire to please others with the ability to communicate their own desires and preferences.

This pattern can show up in smaller, everyday moments, too. Your husband asks, "What would you like to eat for dinner?" and you find yourself saying, "I don’t know, whatever you want," before you have even thought about what you actually feel like eating. You become so used to going with the flow and letting others decide that, eventually, you aren’t even sure what you want anymore.

Over time, you may start to feel resentful. Why does everyone else get what they want? Why can’t I get my needs met? There is a part of you that wants to assert your desires, share what you want, and actually get it. But for some reason, in the moment, you feel stuck. You want to do something different, but you seem unable to.

What you may not know is that this pattern likely started in childhood: in the early interactions you had with parents, teachers, friends, and peers. As a child, you may have tried sharing what you really wanted or tried saying "no," only to be punished, ridiculed, or dismissed. To survive and fit in, you quickly learned to stop asking for what you wanted and to go along with what others wanted instead.

Those patterns worked well for you at the time. They kept you safe and accepted. But now, they are getting in your way.

The good news is, you can change them! Here are some steps to try:

Get Curious

Start by asking yourself a few questions:

• How long have you been doing this?

• Where did you first learn that you couldn’t express your needs or say "no"?

• What happened when you did? How did others respond to you?

• What are you afraid would happen if you expressed your needs or said "no" today?

Appreciate

Once you have an understanding of how you learned to stay quiet, send some appreciation to that part of you. It may seem silly at first, but by acknowledging that it makes sense why you learned to avoid speaking up, and by appreciating how hard that part has worked to protect you from rejection, you allow it to soften and relax.

Update

Oftentimes, we get stuck in patterns that worked well for us in the past, carrying them into the present where they no longer serve us. Now that you understand where this struggle comes from and what it is trying to do for you, it is time to update it.

Let this protective part of you know how old you are today. (Yes, this might feel a little silly, and you may be rolling your eyes—but stay with me!) Tell it how different things are now. Let it know that you are an adult now, that you can handle other people being disappointed or mad at you, and that while it's okay to feel concerned, you've got this.

Collaborate

See if you can get some future buy-in from yourself. Ask that protective part: Would you be willing to let me try speaking up or saying "no" just this once, as an experiment?

Reinforce

The next time you are confronted with a situation where you need to say "no," notice what thoughts and feelings arise, and repeat the previous steps until your anxiety begins to quiet down.

Then, do the thing: say "no" and express your needs. Start small with people and situations where you feel safest, and pay close attention when you get a positive (or even just neutral) response. Let that new, safe experience sink into your mind and body. Over time, saying "no" will start to feel less like a threat and more like a normal boundary.

Celebrate

You did it! Regardless of how the other person responds, celebrate the fact that you stepped out of your comfort zone and tried something new.

---

If you need additional support changing these patterns, please reach out. You don’t have to do this alone. Contact me today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.